A Post Midnight Chat

ef5d72e6a3e4ec1ec90dfa4ac0ee4882I know, it’s been a while.

Just thought I would drop you beautifuls a quick update before I head to crash for the upcoming insane week.

You have seen me at my worst and my best, you know me through and through, so when I tell you that something makes sense to me, you and you alone know how long it has taken for it to finally happen.

As I take a wild gander into the past two years, there have just been too many pitfalls, way, way too many. You’ve been through them with me.

When I kept telling you that it gets better, sometimes it was because I knew it would and sometimes I was just trying to make myself believe it. When I said that everything happens for a reason, I wanted to believe that there was a reason for being aimlessly thwarted around for so long. When I said that I choose to follow my heart and wouldn’t settle for less, I hoped that my heart wasn’t leading me astray. The truth is I didn’t know anything for sure.

Being pulled down so many times should have hurt, maybe some of it did, who knows, I don’t really remember the pain. I chose to forget it.

All I do remember is that it meant I kept trying to stand right back up and keep walking. Somewhere along the road my stagger turned into a strut and not knowing anything turned into a testament of blind faith.

What if I told you that blind faith delivers?

Yeah, I’m saying that.

Breathe in knowing there is magic around, breathe out knowing you’ve sent your own into the world and await it to find it’s abode. Await for your call home, you will hear it.

Nostalgia in a tube of Mosquito Repellent

Unable to ensconce into the perfect slumber in a new environment, I woke up an hour ago to realize that my body was being mutilated by mosquitoes.

I tried to pretend this reality belonged to  another world and shut my eyes a little harder. I tried, I really did, but alas there was no getting out of this battlefield alive, so I had to wake my friend up for a tube of mosquito repellent.

As I began lathering myself from head to toe in this almighty shield, my mind decided to go off on a whole other tangent, it thought of you.

The sweet yet pungent smell transposed me back to your balcony, oh those were happy days! I was instantly thrown into mode reminisce, but not the kinds where you have thought after thought in a linked chain of memories, what came upon me was the kind of nostalgia that hits with one trigger and a hundred memories just crash land together.

It was you and me and all those other people, some old faces and some new over the years, huddled under all sorts of night skies, just being.

I remember the feel of the grass as I ran my fingers through it, pulling out little chunks like I loved doing. I remember laying back and looking at those little trinkets inserted in the dark velvet blanket above me and just knowing that everything really had a connect. I remember sitting on your swing across someone I used to know in another lifetime and thinking of the someone I used to be in another lifetime. I remember being dragged out from our thanksgiving BBQ lunch, little did I know your family would rather break into a little mid day fiesta with song and dance, I’ll never forget that day! I remember raring so many of the darkest hours of the day with a bunch of goons and I remember seeing the first glimpses of day with you, I remember those little stone frogs, the statue of buddha looking so peaceful as only he could amidst our constant banter, I remember the so many garrulous people as we always gathered around that tiny little table, I remember laughter, so much laughter, I remember friendship, I remember love, the kinds of which moved your whole being.

It feels weird to move on. It feels weird that I would have to remember that, that it isn’t something in my everyday life. It feels so weird and it feels sad.

I miss you, I always will, I hope you know that you will always be stored in a tube of odomos for me. image


..and for a few moments EVERYTHING was right in the world and so she smiled, smiled at every face walking towards her and even those walking behind her could say that she was smiling.
She smiled like it was the only thing that existed to do and she didn’t understand what kept her from doing just that all her life, but now she knew and so she smiled with every inch of her body.

I once read somewhere that remember every day, someone out there is having the best day of their life.
To think, today I am that person.
Yes world, that’s me.
I don’t know if this will be the best day of my life but I know today that I am happy, oh SO painfully happy.
Because I can be, because I choose to be, because I can choose to be.
I connected with at least a hundred people today, most of them don’t know it, but we connected.
I connected with the family beside me on the airplane, those two little girls made my heart ache with nostalgia, just like that I was ten years old once again on a flight with my family, fascinated in wide eyed wonder at every little part of the journey.
I connected with the young boy diagonal to me, he was watching that new Avengers movie, he looked like he would be a nice chap.
I connected with his sibling too who was watching Frozen.
I connected with the child in front of him, we actually watched a movie together although they didn’t know that. Big Hero 6. It was a different experience watching it with no sound, I think I liked it better this way.
I connected with the lady in front of me watching the latest rendition of my favourite fairytail, Cinderella. That charriot though!
I connected with that little girl when I gave her the chocolate from my tray. She was precious.
I connected with a whole catwalk of strangers when I went for a stroll around the airport, I smiled because I felt us connecting and as I looked around I saw so many reasons to smile. The father carrying his sleeping daughter like a log in his arms, ladies whose beauty simply blew me away I mean WOW, the middle aged woman strutting around in hot pants having sexier legs than I will ever have, the couple gal pals heartily laughing at something no one else in this universe would probably understand, The lady whose curls were simply perfection, the mother and son walking in a tightly wrapped hug, the steward distributing toys to kids on the flight and while we are on the connection front, free airport wifi, we sure as hell connected! ;)
My life is beautiful, and today was a day I really wondered why I have wasted nearly twenty three years of this perfect life not knowing this, not seizing this, not loving this?!
I am living each moment in the afterglow of the brilliance the previous one was. It feels unreal, but like this is what reality should have been all along.


Letter – 6

Dear C,

I don’t know what to say to you, more so if I should say anything at all, which is why I decided to get my thoughts out, not necessarily within your reach.

If there is one thing that I learnt and the hard way at that, it is to not give up on people so easily. It’s a nice little belief to steadfastly strap into your buckle when things are fine and dandy. The real challenge arrives when a close friend of yours begins to seem like they don’t want you around.

I won’t lie, I don’t really get it, I try to fight obsessing over things I may have done wrong that you aren’t telling me despite my having asked you so many times. I try, and most days I am successful, but then I see your snapchat stories and know that you are up to life and don’t want to tell me about it, and I can’t fight the obsessing hard enough any longer.

Last night I cried in my bath, for you.

You should know that is a big deal because my warm drawn out bath with my caramel candle is my happy place. If I am caught crying in there it means that something is just seriously not right.

They say that it is easy to allow the one thing that isn’t perfect in your life ruin all the things that are, I try to not fall prey to that, but I really do not understand you and don’t know how to begin to even try.

I don’t want to give up on you, but I wonder now, what if someone wants you to give up on them, what if they don’t want you in their life anymore, is it foolhardy to think that you will stick around and wait or is it best to return their sentiments?

It all comes down to what we choose to make of it I suppose, I have always believed that for situations such as these there just is no right or wrong.

I could move on from you and tell the world the story of my strength and determination, of respecting myself, of being a no nonsense pro et all, or I could wait for you in the shadows and when the timing is right and when you think of me someday (because ‘never turning back’ does not exist in my opinion) I will be here thinking of you too,  I could then tell the world the story of my strength and longsuffering, of my love and perseverance, everyone loves a good reunion story.

What matters though is the story I would want to tell myself someday, and right now I just can’t seem to make up my mind which the better story would be.

Some people would tell me to forget what I am supposed to feel someday and go where my heart takes me, the problem is my heart is torn. It is torn between it’s desire to silently await your return and it’s base instinct to just walk out, my heart has been through more toils in this arena than you would believe, walking out seems so appealing right now.

I think, just in the flash of a second, of each grueling day that may lay ahead if I choose to wait for you, each heart wrenching cry of agony that will spring up to die in my soul, killing a little bit of me with it, each moment of obsessing, a countless moments of rethinking my decision, I think and I think and I think, so many seconds have now gone by, months have now gone by.

Why are you doing this to me?

Why am I doing this to myself?

You make me wish I wasn’t human, because then I wouldn’t have to think so much and feel so much, and that is the worst thing you could ever make me wish. I detest you for that.

I won’t give up on you but I am going to give up on waiting on you, I hope someday soon my heart will be able to tell the two apart.