Good Faith, 24th August

Reaching out.

It sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it?

It is one of the hardest things that I have ever learnt to do in my life.

I often did not realize that I needed to reach out when I did, had I done so my life would have turned out a whole lot different.

When I was 15 had I reached out, when I was 16 or 17 had I reached out, when I was 21 or 22 had I reached out, it would have all turned out different.

When I use the term ‘reach out’ it would be easy to assume that it applies to a person who is on the threshold of life and death, but that isn’t really always true.

The line between sanity and insanity is really very thin, and we often don’t realize when we tread on the border. It doesn’t happen in a gory flash, it takes long, innumerable, seemingly insignificant, painful days. It takes weeks, months. It takes years.

You need to reach out.

If you feel alone, if you feel scared, if you feel incapable, if you feel confused, if you feel broken, if you feel sad, if you feel anxious, if you feel a shadow fallen upon your sunshine, you need to reach out.

It doesn’t matter to whom, as long as it is someone who cares about you, anyone.

I used to think that I would be a burden to those close to me and  I never spoke about a lot of things, I used to be ashamed that I would be looked down on so I never spoke about a lot of things, I used to tell myself a tale after a while.

I told myself that I was never going to have a life where I would find happiness that would last, that disdain was my shadow and he would find me no matter where I hid, that I would have to accept that I was dark and troubled and I would never lead a life where I wasn’t. This became the voice in my head, it became my reality.

I did myself and those around me more harm than I could ever have imagined, there were days it felt easier to just give up. Entirely. To just shut the drapes and lie in bed till the sun that I didn’t wish to see decided to sink itself.

Life went on, a lot happened and a lot changed, but the time I really began to realize that I had changed was the time I began to do what I call reaching out. That was when I started telling myself that there was no such thing as inner darkness that would haunt you forever, all there was within me was light, that I sometimes couldn’t see.

So I called upon a friend to do it for me, and each time she did it better than I could ever have imagined. I let go of my inhibitions little by little, of my fears, of my insecurities and I told her that I was sad when I was, that I needed to feel better when I did, that I was afraid to fall, that I was broken from falling, that I needed hope, that I needed love, and each time she opened her heart and she poured it out for me, all of it. It saved me.

It saves me every day.

This one is for you Sonia, because you are my guardian angel and you are my rock and my salvation.

This one is for you, yes you, who is reading this and thinking of who they can reach out to. Call a friend, a lover, family, a stranger, there is always someone who will be there.

Sonia often tells me that you are the only one who can change your life and I do believe her, but you need someone to do that telling, today, let me be her.

Took this heart and put it through hell,
But still you’re magnificent
I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me,
I turn around and I’m back in the game,
Even better than the old me.
But I’m not even close without you.
If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine,
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind.

My Favourite Stranger

This one is for you, because everything else has been because of you.
I have often wondered if there was anyone who changed my life in a way I never realized. It’s you, you did.
If it wasn’t for you I would never be here doing what I do, doing what I am made to do.
It’s funny how sometimes you decide to do something a stranger tells you and in that instant, you just pave way for your entire life to change.
How often is it that that stranger turns into someone very important in your life, not because of what he did but because of who he is? Not very, I persume.
In many ways you are still a stranger to me, but you have become my favourite stranger.
Looking back at the past few years and all the million random things I have asked you, it feels odd that I still can’t pin you down.
It just took me a while to realize that you are never, ever going to be someone to pin down. You are an eagle and all you’ll ever do is soar, maybe I could soar with you sometimes, and we could laugh seamlessly into the break of the dawn like we do.
Maybe.
I don’t know if it was fate that you happened to me or if there just was no two ways about it. You know, sometimes there just isn’t.
Sometimes it isn’t serendipity or destiny. Sometimes all it is is two people who tread towards each other knowingly, because they want to, because it makes sense. That sounds like the story of you and I.
You and I.
I am not sure what got us here or where here even is, maybe I don’t need to know. With you I have never needed to know. It isn’t often that I don’t question but when someone means more to you than an answer, questions just don’t seem as imperetive anymore.
Dark nights remind me to remember you, so does the taste of iced tea, so does John Legend.
I think of you when I watch a really awful movie, or when I step into some places that you just marked your presence at, when I see coasters, when I thieve, I think of you.
I think of you when I think of the punishment for rape, when I think of death, when I think of sex on the airplane because yes, sometimes I think of that too.
I think of you when I think of unexpected, when I think of surprises, when I think of kindness, when I think of the universe.
I think of you and sometimes I even miss you, although I don’t quite know how to miss a stranger, sometimes I miss a stranger.

Closer Home

I have yet again embarked on a journey. To learn. To explore. To discover.
It has been 25 days, and I am learning.
I am learning in ways I never thought I would about things I never thought I would.
When you step away from your own, a lot changes.
Sometimes you wake up and begin to question what you even called your own.
I am on the other end of the spectrum though, as I sit here thinking of what I call my own.
Sometimes I look back and it all seems like a lifetime away, so close yet so far.
Sometimes it just feels like things are dissipating before my eyes in little bursts of gold and silver, poof!
The past, dare I call it that? It’s funny how things slink into that category. I can’t believe that some things, some people, are a part of a whole other tense today.
It feels disorienting realizing you have somehow landed in a whole other life. How did this even happen?
All you can do is take a deep breath and sweat it out one day at a time. It is going to be one helluva ride!
I have discovered old normalcy in a whole new cloak.
As I try ever so hard in menial ways to cling onto the definition of everything I thought I knew and everything that was mine, it begins to slip away from the palm of my hand. It doesn’t hurt, but I know it is slipping away.
There are things and people becoming a part of what you now choose to call your life though, and you are not sure how to allow them to fit in, or to become a part of your heart. Maybe they’ll never really get there, maybe they already were, even before you knew them.
Only time will tell.
Time, that strange little bugger!

image

A Post Midnight Chat

ef5d72e6a3e4ec1ec90dfa4ac0ee4882I know, it’s been a while.

Just thought I would drop you beautifuls a quick update before I head to crash for the upcoming insane week.

You have seen me at my worst and my best, you know me through and through, so when I tell you that something makes sense to me, you and you alone know how long it has taken for it to finally happen.

As I take a wild gander into the past two years, there have just been too many pitfalls, way, way too many. You’ve been through them with me.

When I kept telling you that it gets better, sometimes it was because I knew it would and sometimes I was just trying to make myself believe it. When I said that everything happens for a reason, I wanted to believe that there was a reason for being aimlessly thwarted around for so long. When I said that I choose to follow my heart and wouldn’t settle for less, I hoped that my heart wasn’t leading me astray. The truth is I didn’t know anything for sure.

Being pulled down so many times should have hurt, maybe some of it did, who knows, I don’t really remember the pain. I chose to forget it.

All I do remember is that it meant I kept trying to stand right back up and keep walking. Somewhere along the road my stagger turned into a strut and not knowing anything turned into a testament of blind faith.

What if I told you that blind faith delivers?

Yeah, I’m saying that.

Breathe in knowing there is magic around, breathe out knowing you’ve sent your own into the world and await it to find it’s abode. Await for your call home, you will hear it.