Babydoll, It’s Called the Twenties

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As a ten year old, I thought that life would be pretty simple once you hit your twenties. You graduate from school and then college, maybe a masters, then you work.

You work at your first job for the experience, maybe stick a little longer with the second one, and finally work at the company of your dreams until you decide to retire.

Right. Turns out it isn’t really as easy as one two three.

When I completed my undergrad, I looked around me and saw that all my friends had found their paths pretty quickly. Some were doing their dream job already, some had their own startups and a few were pursuing masters. I, on the other hand, felt as messed up as a rubiks cube that showed different coloured blocks everywhere. How do I sort this out?, I spent nights wondering.

I thought that there must certainly be something wrong with me or I wouldn’t be the only one who couldn’t seem to get my act together.

Time went by, years went by actually, years of trying the this and the that which I grew up thinking I should be doing but the wind kept calling me elsewhere and I always followed. Even when it was painful, even when it was confusing, even when it felt like it would lead me to a dead end, I followed.

Hippie culture, some of them called it. She believes in strange things now, wears her hair a funny way, she doesn’t take that extra half hour in the morning to make sure she looks presentable. Sure, some of it is true, but it isn’t hippie culture, it is what you call the twenties.

It has been three years now, and every day another friend who I thought had found their path tells me how they are now more lost than ever. So, I thought to myself the other day, maybe they didn’t get there before I did, I got here first and now here they come.

I then realized that the twenties, especially the earlier half, is about un-learning a lot of things we grew up telling ourselves. That belief you could never let go of? You let go of it. That religion you could never date? You date it. That city you thought was appalling? You fall in love with it. It is a time you have lived enough to realize that you have not lived at all, a time you know enough to know that you know nothing and never may, a time you set out to really find out what it is that needs to be done in this life, and are brave enough to break down every last brick that you allowed to define who you are, if it means you get to rebuild it, and this time by yourself.

As time went by I began to see my own fear of that jeering look I always dread receiving mirrored in the eyes of so many as they squirm in their seats and answer the “What do you do?” question with an awkward “I am not doing anything right now.”

And if you are one of the lucky ones to be doing something half decent, there is always the “Are you happy?” question that follows. You can’t blame people really, because a lot of us in our twenties are more lost and unhappy than you would imagine.

But as twenty somethings, we have found comfort in each other’s company because we know so well that it is a time when we learn to let go of judgement, mostly because you understand what it feels like to be looked down upon. Even so, your kindness and compassion can’t find a way to become all encompassing. Its boundaries only stretch as far as your experiences, maybe a few steps more.

It is an age we realize how large the world is, and how each place we visit changes us a little bit. We all want to take off and travel, and few of us can afford to. But we know that there are things out there, people out there who are meant to be a part of our journey and who we need to meet. John Greene pretty much summed up the tagline of most of us twenty somethings when he wrote “I’m in love with cities I’ve never been and people I’ve never met.”

While we somehow hop, skip and let’s be honest, sometimes crawl through the days realizing that the word ‘LEARN’ never made more sense than it does right now we find inspiration lurking in places we never imagined, in an old Akon song, in a pathetic chick flick, in a strong mug of coffee, in blinding pain, and we grow a little, every day we grow a little.

Then there comes a day, mine is mostly at a year’s end, when you pause and place together all your learnings and understand what that whole life-is-the-greatest-teacher ish meant. And one day as you wake up and decide to rare another day of this insanity that seems to be the twenties, you stumble upon dreams, YOUR DREAMS. The ones you forgot? The ones you let go of when the world made you tell yourself who to be.

In the wake of our dreams coming true we hear the voice of a trumpet call to help those who are still stumbling, and we try to be their North Star, taking ever so many blows ourselves before we realize that everyone’s journey is different. When placing ourself in another’s shoe, we learn to remind ourselves that everyone is not us, and their feet would feel different in that pair of methiyadis. Being a guide does not mean telling anyone where to go, but inspiring others by your walk.

Most of us are broken really, and we only realize how much by our twenties. But you can’t fix someone up in a month, this isn’t a movie. It takes time, lots and lots of time, years. But if you stay by them and watch them fix themselves, there is nothing more rewarding, we learn that over the years. We learn patience and we learn to forgive those who never asked our forgiveness for throwing us down into their pit when they needed to climb out.

We learn what faith truly means. Faith isn’t the blind belief in something, faith is knowing that even though our life is what we allow it and make of it, there is always room for aberrations, and in one such aberration awaits the fruit of everything we kept giving a chance to which never quite worked out fifty million times before.

I am turning 24 in six months. My early twenties have been about learning how to BE, and letting go of what just isn’t.

All my lovely people on this journey, this one is for you.

The two kinds of pain

There are two types of pain we feel in this life.

The first one is the pain that catches us unawares.

This pain could bolt into our lives when anything happens that we never could have imagined would happen to us. When we lose a loved one unexpectedly, when our partner who we could never imagine a day apart from drops the I-want-out(-of-the-blue) bomb, when we’ve suddenly been informed that we need to pack our bags and leave a country we’ve always called home. You can feel every nerve cell in your body break out in panic, confusion and wail in unison. Wail for the inability of the present to accept that the beautiful past will not be continued into a future. Wail for uncertainty of how to accept this, wail because we know that when we do, if we ever can bring ourselves to, our lives will never be the same again.

Then there is a pain that arrives strutting down a carpet that has been long laid for her.

Sometimes, we just know that a certain pain awaits us. We may not know exactly when we will run into her, but we’ve long since taken the immunization so that it doesn’t kill us.

For me, this pain was being cheated on, it was voluntarily leaving a place behind and along with it some of my dearest friends, it was when I had to watch an on-and-off friend leave my life for the umpteenth time.

I didn’t know when or exactly how any of this would happen, but if I were to be completely honest with myself I knew that they would.

It still hurt, but the pain, although brand new, seemed familiar. I knew, even while I wept, that the pain wouldn’t destroy me. I knew, even when I could feel my insides break, that I would be whole again even if some part would remain on the floor when I fixed myself up. I knew, even when I felt the ever encroaching canopy of darkness descend upon me, that there would be light again.

It’s an odd thing, being prepared for a certain kind of pain. You make room for it and when it arrives, it knows the exact spot it must fall into. There is no confusion, there isn’t much chaos, it just knows where it has to settle, for how long it has to stay and when it has to bid adieu.

It is a pain that shakes your ground and breaks it, that thwarts your insides across a rough merry go round, that roughs up your tender heart by throwing her a couple quick punches, it is a pain that turns your insides out, but it will not change you.

Sometimes, pain is not meant to change you, simply to show you how much you can endure.

Because 2015.

Because dreams come true.

Because life is not always ideal, but that’s life.

Because all you ever have to work with is the present moment.

Because PAUSE.

Because LISTEN.

Because love.

Because break.

Because love some more.

And then some.

Because your soul is scattered in more places than you would believe.

Because as we traverse these years, we will find ourselves in places, and in people.

Because irreplaceable means irreplaceable. And I don’t know how to let it mean anything else.

Because giant wheels and shooting stars.

Because flea markets, because the gift of giving.

Because letters.

Because KINDNESS.

Because KINDNESS.

Because KINDNESS.

Because Fight Song.

Because See You Again.

Because Lean on.

Because Dance Basanthi.

Because Beer Club.

Because Kindness Demons.

Because Farhan.

Because we are human, and beautifully so.

Because understand we are human, and it’s more than okay to mess up. Fifty-eight times even.

Because forgive, set yourself free.

Because Ed Sheeran.

Because AT2UI.

Because Kundgol.

Because Hubli.

Because Dubai.

Because new family.

Because Journalism.

Because Rachel.

Because photographs.

Because Methiyadis.

Because Naruto.

Because Dance for Kindness.

Because Life Vests.

Because LVIKA.

Because hair. No hair. Hair.

Because the world’s coolest hoodie.

Because fearlessness.

Because believing. Just believing.

Because pick your battles, and bring the world down for the ones you pick.

Because bring the world down for the ones you pick.

Because thirdwheelin’ like a boss.

Because BE love.

Because gratitude.

Because tying loose ends.

Because writing. Lots of writing.

Because Dreamweavers.

Because Faith.

Because Nandi.

Because Annekal.

Because Unikey. My love.

Because Cronuts.

Because Moussaka, because gnocchi.

Because Sante.

Because April Showers.

Because crazy wedding week.

Because it is only one in so, so many goodbyes that are hard, but they happen.

Because Seeker’s. Because Moscow.

Because Kumbalgodu.

Because secrets.

Because love, and lust, and love.

Because no regrets.

Because most nights, there is only room for one person’s problems, decide wisely.

Because sometimes, against all odds, you get a reply, and it shapes your year.

Because lots of new faces.

Because quotes.

Because life comes around in a full circle.

Because sun sets.

Because horizons.

Because healing.

Because sometimes, you just deserve a God damned good year.

Because 2015, I’ve loved you through and through.

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