Lifeless

Alright, enough of this BS!
From the past week I’ve been forcing myself to blog because I don’t really feel like it, I don’t feel like it because I am in a hospital under psychiatric and psychological care.
That’s why my mind is so messed up that I am fearful I don’t know my own mind most of the time, and I can’t tell you all what to do, what I know, what I feel, because I am afraid to think, because I am constantly being told that the way I think is wrong, I don’t know, are they wrong? Are they right? I don’t know!
I was feeling like a good, happy, normal human being until I walked in here and now I feel like a brain. That’s all. A mind. And not even a particularly clever mind. A confused mind. And not perplexed, I’m used to being perplexed, I feel empty, and sad. And unworthy, and that is so ironic because I don’t even feel like a person to feel any of those things.
My writing, that is all I have left, and they are slowly taking that away form me too. I have everything and yet I can’t write. How can I function? How can I breathe? How can I talk? How? I am not supposed to be able to. I am not normal, I feel torn apart, I feel destroyed.
I feel lifeless.

On hatred

We all know what it feels like to be loved, well, most of us do know and the rest will hopefully know very soon.

It’s all wonderful and peachy, all buying gifts and fighting over who cuts the call first (I have NOT done this!) and texting endless :* to ur lover (this I am however guilty of!).

It’s fantastic! provided the love works both ways, even if not, it’s still mostly flattering, to know that you are someone’s special someone. to know that you can make them smile and you can make them cry (let’s hope you don’t want that), it’s just plain NICE to be loved by someone,

I am sure mosst of us have had the opposite happen to us as well, but have we ever stopped and questioned it?

What is it like to be hated by someone? First, get blocked off their facebook, then their whatsapp, and if cases are too severe even their phone, It’s official. you my dear sweet reader, are on their hate list.

The reasons I wont sit here to conjecture, it could be anything from boyfriend stealing to father killing (attempt) but let’s face it there are people on whose hate lists we belong on and who are on ours. even you GUYS who act all aloof and like you don’t care!

Let us take just a moment here and really think about what it means to be hated by someone. Someone thinks of you and the milk in their coffee churns, someone is thinking of you, and their shower turns on maximum heat, someone thinks of you, and their insides just gets upset in such a manner that you actually manage to ruin the rest of their day. You are that someone to someone(s).

I know most people advice you to leave it be, that things will turn around someday and they will realize you are not as bad as all that and I know  people say that it is their issue and not yours, I know people say all sorts of things, and that it affects some of us more than it does others, and NO not because we are some kind of sycophants but simply because we are aware what it is like to hate a person, and we do not like anyone feeling that way about us.

So this week I am gonna stop hating someone, and I am gonna ask someone to stop hating me. If either works Ii will let you know, but wish this one well on her quest, even if it’s just to change the universe one bit at a time.

Happy Quirrkday – Part 3

All my narcissistic musings aside, blogging has been a surreal experience in my life.

I came into contact with a whole world, a whole side of virtual reality that I had no idea about, an entire platform for people to say what they want, for them to connect to others who feel and think the same way, garner power, strength, inspiration and answers from. A platform for people to encourage you, for them to help you, for them to sometimes show you the flipside of the coin, and all we are are regular people with a computer and an internet connection.

That is what I love the MOST about blogging. We reach out to exactly the kind of people authors aim to reach out to everyday, the every day (wo)man. And together we have some mad, quirky, undeniable fun!

As a part of my one year celebration I will tag two people who I think should begin a blog and a year from today, let’s see how it goes! :D

Happy Quirrkday – Part 2

As many of you know, I took up and gave up on two courses and one job during this past year, and all that had to do with writing in some form or the other. In June, I finally return to the one BIG TOWERING institution I was escaping from in the first place and running all over the country to hide from, The college I did my undergrad in. Ironic, isn’t it?

But that whole year of wrongs is what it took to make me WRITE. (I’m loving the play of words I can seamlessly keep tossing around here!) I’m heading back to do my masters in Social Work, and I believe in my heart of hearts that I have it dead on this time. so what about writing? What of all my other dreams? I wanted to work as a journalist, write a bestseller novel, work as a publisher, work as a teacher as a counselor and work for a social cause all before I turned 50. So what of all my dreams? I pick one and let the others down the pothole?

I questioned and asked some of my close friends but no one seemed to have the kind of whack you in the head with a dose of reality/dreams that I needed, so I did what I could, I waited.

And along came my answer, in an old classmate who never took up too well with me. I used to be under the staunch impression that she for whatever reason disliked me and stayed away from her even through the same university days. It’s safe to say the ground was icy at best. One unexpected night she inboxed me and said she could relate to my writings and that she enjoyed reading me from time to time, and when I told her all my dreams she was all green light all the way! No doubts, no questions, just go do it! Infact, she told me I was already doing it! There, that was what I needed and quirrk and God ofcourse, gave her to me just at the time I needed to most know what step to take next.

Following which there came a day where I sat down to blog but words couldn’t, wouldn’t find me, and I tried and I tried but all I could sprout was LAME. So I cried. And I realized I was a gifted person and I said thankyou to God and promised to NEVER EVER hide my light under the bushel, even think of it, again!

That was the decision I made that day when I looked back and realized how precious my blog is to me.

Happy Quirrkday – Part 1

Happy birthday to Quirrk!

We are one wholeee entireeee year olddd noww!! :D

qui

Alright, so my ideal one year blogging situation is far from where I am right now (details will be posted later) doing what I am right now, nonetheless, Quirrk’s ONE! And MAYN DOES THAT CALL FOR SOME SERIOUS CELEBRATION!

The journey so far has been absolutely fantabuously entirely phenomenally sensational, TO SAY THE LEAST. I used to think blogging was about having a voice and getting it out there, and having atleast one person read me once in a while. So I wrote, about all the things I knew, questioned the things I didn’t know or understand and chided with the clanking of the ever so phenomenal city AKA Bangalore and all it’s erratic subtleties.

Bravo! That was accomplished. However, the word change never held so much of meaning as it does today. I used to write for myself and for those out there who would listen, but as I gradually began to notice the pattern of writings people pay more heed to, you can imagine the ramifications! Then to get myself back on track I disclosed some HIGHLY personal instances, to be more in tune with the fact that my writing was as much for me as it was for others. Balance. I had to chase it for a bit but I think I’m doing alright on that front at the moment.

Writing is not just a one time thing. It takes as much dedication and fortitude as does any other profession/task/whatever we call accomplishments. I was surprised that I had that in me, for anything! I always thought that if something is meant to be it will come to you naturally and keep coming effortlessly. Then I had to grow up, and call the BS meter on that, until this month happened and I looked back at quirrk and smiled, I was right, I was write, all kids who believe in that dream are right, find your right dream and it will stick with you effortlessly. just NEVER EVER give up on it, like I almost did.

 

Dream Nazis

When you feel that poetry zig past your rib
And imprint itself, before lost, on paper,
This situation is a tad more glib,
As I force the words to embark from vapour.

Glib like the smile plastered on her mouth,
Like the eyes, neither curious nor enlightened,
Like the hymn in her heart, the hymn of the devout,
To give life away and not be frightened.

A place of no fear, just fate of the wizzing chamber,
One by one they are tossed in whole,
Their offsprings stand and watch the ember,
Remembering that there were dreams, back when the days were old.

Now she remains a carcass to be deavoured, a corpse that remembers to breathe,
Will it be you, me, or father time himself, that will place on her that final wreathe?

My favourite blogs

As I mentioned in my last post, it’s almost been a year since I began blogging. In this short span of time, I’ve come across some really really amazing blogs, but my personal favourites will always remain these three:

1.) http://katespanish.com/

No one, and I really mean NO one gets near Carrie Bradshaw fashionista like Kate! (p.s. check out garry pepper too, it’a not exactly a blog but it’s wonderful nonetheless!)

2) http://thekindnessblog.com

Now this is one heck of a fantastic blog! It’s filled with stories of all sorts of kind acts people do for others around the world, and it is updated so often that you want to just cry at all the goodness that is actually around us but we don’t pay heed to!

3) http://emilyjanuary.wordpress.com/

Emily January runs a fantastic scholarly yet simplistic blog. When you read her, be it Jane Eyre or a children’s book, she throws a  such mindful insight on everything.  For book lovers, Emily’s blog is an absolute must!

 

One Great Greek

It’s funny how many stories of this man we are told during our childhoods but we had no idea it all came from one source, one brilliant phenomenal source, Aeasop’s mind.

No one really knew how he looked but most say he was a very ugly man and his only beautiful part was his mind.

The golden Goose, fine weather friends, the rabbit and the hare, the fox and the sour grapes, the boy who cried wolf. the town mouse and the country mouse, and those are just to name a few.

A few months ago my hands fell upon a collection of Aesop’s collection of ovver 150 stories and I had to buy it’!

I  recomment everyone TO READ that book because there is more to life in that book than there is in life itself. It’s eye  opening,, simple, ironic and simple excellent!

My personal favourite story was The Oak and The Reed which reads thus.

A very large Oak was uprooted by the wind and thrown across a stream. It fell among some Reeds, which it thus addressed: “I wonder how you, who are so light and weak, are not entirely crushed by these strong winds.” They replied, “You fight and contend with the wind, and consequently you are destroyed; while we on the contrary bend before the least breath of air, and therefore remain unbroken, and escape.”

The reason why it spoke to me so much was because I’m an Oak, and Ii would rather be broken than bent.

Which one are you?

 

 

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